Letter to a 16 year old Brandy

-Let me say this first I am completely aware that time travel isn't possible but if I could choose a preferred method of time travel it would have to be with David Tennant  as Dr. Who because, I'm a nerd.  So in this fantasy the Tardis takes me to my hometown in 1999, where I can sneak an anonymous letter to a 16 year old me (obviously being cautious and not actually running into myself, let's not get into the consequences of that).  Here is that letter


Hey Brandy,

You are not invisible.  Are you ok?  Was today a good day?  Or did you spend the last 15 minutes not listening in class instead focusing on the fact that you are way tired and sweating a little.  Then that girl behind you giggles because you're out of breath,  laughing at you a little, as she sarcastically says "Are you like, ok?"  She is fully aware that she is turning your exhaustion from carrying around 225 pounds of weight upstairs to class, is now becoming a spectacle and you slowly sink down in your chair and mumble "yeah, fine."  Inside hoping beyond hope that your favorite math teacher doesn't say anything and just starts the lesson.  It's a good day and he does.  Then you feel the intense pain of the thoughts flooding your head "did that cute guy notice that? Oh, God you are such a slob and why can't you just stop eating, Brandy.  What's wrong with you?  You need to not eat tomorrow, and exercise in the backyard so no one sees."

These thoughts are causing  frequent headaches and fevers aren't they?  Go to the doctor for that, who cares that you have to weigh in, doctors don't judge if they do, they're not gonna do it in front of you. 

But I wish I could be there and tell you to stop, because you are beautiful.  Because, hating yourself and getting angry is not going to help you at all.  So, who cares if that boy doesn't notice you, oh I promise you one day he will and you'll be long gone. Happily engaged, to a man who loves you inside as well as out.  At the age of 31 you will be a size 12 on your way to an even smaller size.   It takes time though, your life was spent with years of self-loathing and hating that cause you to deal with depression and anxiety.  So much so that it hindered you from fixing it.  But you do fix it, in an unconventional way.  Do you want hear the good parts?   You need to know the good parts.

Your fiancé:
Oh he's so handsome, smart, athletic, a little bit older, artistic, kind, loving, and honest.  He's everything you dream and about want but don't believe right now, he does exist.  Without giving away details, you are happy and in a great place at 31.  I'm not going to tell you about the wedding, it'll be a surprise.

Your job:
You're an art teacher, all those years of wanting to be in art class but keeping it a secret because you love music too and don't feel cool enough for art, newsflash you are way cool.  Well those years of just band pay off you're a really good art teacher and your knowledge of music helps to make you super creative.  So keep being a band nerd, not everyone can read music, play an instrument and create amazing artworks. 

Now, at 31 you are smaller and healthy, you look like your mom now more than ever.  This world at a smaller size is different.  You're uncomfortable with a lot of the attention but in some ways its needed attention.  You will get to shop at all those shops that you want to!   You are a little creeped out by the men attention.  Yet learning how to handle yourself. That feeling like you have to be nice all the time, is slowly going away.  You know that there is a difference between being nice and being a pushover.  That is something you refuse to ever be again.  Like I said, you are not invisible.  It just took something different and life changing to get you to know that. 

So go back to class,  enjoy your friends, celebrate your dorkiness and try not to care what that cute boy thinks.  That girl who snickers at you is just as insecure as you are, but in other ways.  Go to the doctor, listen to what he says.  Keep trying to always be better, push yourself like you do, but don't hate yourself or feel like you are less of a person because of your weight.  Focus on those who love you just as you are. 

You are not invisible. 

Love yourself,

The future.

Thoughts and concerns

It's Sunday funday and I am spending most of my day so far in bed being super lazy.  A lot has been going on with me.  I'm not very good at writing in a typical "story" format but I am a big fan of lists so here it goes:

1. Weight loss so far: I am down to 213 and on the 25th of this month I am going to try to do a 3 month post with pictures. 

2.  Finally broke my plateau, for a couple of weeks my weight was not moving, it was so beyond frustrating but now it is going down again.  I am down to a size 14 and even fit in a 12!  This has proven to be both awesome and uh oh because of SHOPPING.  I need to control urges to shop and use my creativity on my clothing choices I have now. 

3.  Saturday we had engagement photos and it was so exciting, at first it was awkward because trying to be romantic in front of people you don't know is very strange; but I think they turned out great we will see what they look like next week.

4.  Flights are booked and we are getting ready to be married in.... wait for it..... JAMAICA!!  With school and trying to be healthy it was just too much to plan a big affair here, so Steve and I decided we wanted to be on vacation and marry in paradise. 

5.  Although we will plan a reception; a picnic BBQ for friends and family here in Texas, hopefully that planning goes smoothly, so far we are good to go. 

6.  School is so different this year I am not tired all the time, the students for the most part have been better and there are a lot more responsibilities this year.  I am grateful that I can do what I love, and I know that is a rare gift that a lot of people don't get to have.  So I try to everyday have a wonderful time, make my kids laugh, learn and create. 

7.  I am so excited to be a bride and cannot wait to marry Steve people always say things happen at the right time, but you get frustrated and think why isn't it now?  I understand now we are both at a good place and both ready to move forward making our life together "official."  I say that because we have been together for 3 years he's been my "official" one for years now I just get to call him hubby now. 

Videoblog #2

What a wonderful time!

love you all!

Month results

This month, has been hard I've had my emotional ups and downs.  Having only liquid foods for a whole month was exhausting and took a toll on my emotional side.  I am excited because now I am on blended foods and I have so much more energy and feel great.  I am posting my one month results!  I am really proud of myself and fitting into a size 16 with no muffin top is exciting I used to just squeeze myself into things hoping they would button up.  Now I know that number is going nowhere but down it's a little unbelievable to say the least.  I hope you all are having a wonderful summer I know I am. 

Videoblog #1

First video blog hope you guys like.

Driving such a thrill!

I got to drive today!  It was so exciting feeling freedom from my home.  It has been a long while since I went out a did things on my own.  The road to recovery I am on is going to be a long one but it is worth it. 

I didn't do much filled up my car went and window shopped before I started to feel tired again.  Being on a strict clear liquid diet with very little nutrients wears you out fast.  I get tired easily and want to nap all the time.  But so do most teachers on summer vacation but I get the added bonus of LOSING WEIGHT!

It's really falling off me, I walk everyday and drink my drinks like I am suppose to and everyday I am losing pounds.  My boyfriend has been so sweet each night we walk our neighborhood during the twilight hour it's my favorite time of day.  Hand in hand we talk about things and just walk. 

I have been productive though I learned how to fishtail braid which was fun, I painted my nails this fun galaxy effect and I've caught up on way too many movies and tv shows. 

Tomorrow I start Phase 2 of my diet mmmm protein shakes but I am looking forward to creamed soups!! Something other than nasty Isopure (a protein drink that tastes gross and leaves a weird film on your teeth). 

I will probably post my results with pictures when I hit my one month mark til then, so far ok.  I miss food but can't even comprehend eating it. 

This is what FULL feels like...

I'm officially home on the road to recovery, each day is better than the day before.  Right now I am drinking an ounce every half an hour.  I'm not in too much pain, I feel ok. 

I feel full all the time, you know that feeling of "oh i'm starving" and it's cause you haven't eaten in a long while well that feeling is gone.  I am officially full all the time.  I tire easily but I'm trying my best to keep up with doctors orders, drink my clear protein that tastes awful.  The only thing that tastes good is water. 

I have staples all along my belly.  That feels weird.  My dog Eddie won't leave my side.   He's become my nurse making sure I am ok.  Laddy too has shown his discomfort with my surgery by chewing up my headphones and my $80 toothbrush.  Apparently those things needed to be taken out.  I can't do a lot, I walk, I talk with friends, I've gotten wonderful flowers from loved ones. 

So that's about it, I'm doing ok and I'll keep posting when I start feeling better but I am on a lot of medicines so if this post feels a bit random, I apologize. 



Again, I want to say thanks to my mom, for being there for me in the hospital that first night when it was bad, real bad.  I love you.  And to Steve who's walking with me every night and making sure I'm doing what I should be doing.  Love you too.