Happiness?

I need to confess: I have suffered from depression and panic attacks since the age of 18-19.  I have been on medications gone to therapy, back on medications, back to therapy.  I will deal with depression for the rest of my life.  The worse of the two are the panic attacks. 

I decided to write about this because I am tired of feeling like a freak because I do not deal with anger the "normal" way.  I would so love to yell at someone right back when being yelled at but instead I internalize everything and my brain tries anyway to blame myself for it all.  It's a sick cycle and I am self-aware which makes it even more maddening.  So I shut down.  I don't deal, I have a panic attack cry and feel like I am going crazy for about 20 minutes.  All because I can't get mad.  I shake and convulse, going to a place that I like to call my gray zone.  In this zone I want to run away, I don't care about anyone.  No one.  All problems would be solved if I just left.  Now panic attacks last from 5-20 minutes, so my rational brain outside of this gray zone doesn't believe any of that.  But during this time I can see no other solution.  I breathe wait for it to pass and then my mind shuts down.  

Maybe its a side effect of the trauma of a panic attack, but right now it's all about basic functions.  Wake, shower, dress, work, eat, sleep; repeat.  I am not good at handling certain things and a lot of things I internalize so that I don't bother people.  I've been doing this since I was a little girl.

Now I am not writing all of this because I am looking for pity.  I am writing this out because I am tired of feeling ashamed for something that I can't help.  My weight gain is easily a part of all this.  I eat to feel better, fried chicken never yelled at me or disappointed me.  Now at 32 I know that all of the little things that I let fester and stew are causing me stress and keeping me from things that I want in this life.  I am not going to have things solved today or tomorrow, but at least today I talked about it.  I talked about how I'm not always happy.  Some days like today I am numb, just so I can make it.  But I know it will get better, there will be something that pulls me out of this hole. 

But as for today, I am just here.