Purple/Blue Hair and I don't care.

So I dyed my hair... and the reason behind it might surprise some people.

This year  has been rough, after having the picture perfect wedding we came home a month later and found out I was pregnant.  Sadly 5-6 weeks in I miscarried.  We were so excited and to have this wonderful hope taken away, the only people who understand that loss are other couples who have been through it.  My husband and I picked ourselves up and moved on, with renewed hope that we can get pregnant.  Then in November 2014, 8 months later we discovered I was pregnant again.  Then 7-8 weeks in I loss another baby.  Now I don't talk about my career as much on this blog as I could, I am an elementary school Art teacher for a school in the low to very low income area of my city.  My job is highly stressful and demands a lot out of me.   Thank God for my job, it helped me to focus on work with helping my students create and be creative.  I put on an art show, helped my coworkers with their events and moved on.  We bought a home, we are focusing on what we have and not what we don't have.  And we have a lot.  I have the best life. 

I am not saying that moving on was easy I struggled a lot and without my wonderful, caring, supportive husband I probably would have broken down more.  He truly keeps me strong making sure I take care of myself when I felt like it was all my fault.  When I hated on my body for not working the way it's suppose to.  Smiling through tears while friends and coworkers announce soon to be babies.  Don't get me wrong I have rough days, days where I feel sorry for myself.  But I am taking care of myself, feeling what I need to feel. 

So I am moving on, moving on from pressures of being whatever I am "suppose" to be at this age.  So I see these wonderful girls with colorful pretty hair and I thought I want pretty hair.  Why the hell not? I am free this summer and I don't have to be a "professional".  So I am embracing the color embracing feeling free from pressures and enjoying my summer just as I am.  Healthy. Happy. Moving Forward. 

End of the year performance!

New home!

Art Show

Holi Festival!

Still keeping the weight off!

Hair won't change everything but I feel good and I try to focus on the positive.  So silly Brandy and her "outrageous" hair is going to have some fun this summer.  Living in the moment.  I hope you have some fun too this summer. 

Happiness?

I need to confess: I have suffered from depression and panic attacks since the age of 18-19.  I have been on medications gone to therapy, back on medications, back to therapy.  I will deal with depression for the rest of my life.  The worse of the two are the panic attacks. 

I decided to write about this because I am tired of feeling like a freak because I do not deal with anger the "normal" way.  I would so love to yell at someone right back when being yelled at but instead I internalize everything and my brain tries anyway to blame myself for it all.  It's a sick cycle and I am self-aware which makes it even more maddening.  So I shut down.  I don't deal, I have a panic attack cry and feel like I am going crazy for about 20 minutes.  All because I can't get mad.  I shake and convulse, going to a place that I like to call my gray zone.  In this zone I want to run away, I don't care about anyone.  No one.  All problems would be solved if I just left.  Now panic attacks last from 5-20 minutes, so my rational brain outside of this gray zone doesn't believe any of that.  But during this time I can see no other solution.  I breathe wait for it to pass and then my mind shuts down.  

Maybe its a side effect of the trauma of a panic attack, but right now it's all about basic functions.  Wake, shower, dress, work, eat, sleep; repeat.  I am not good at handling certain things and a lot of things I internalize so that I don't bother people.  I've been doing this since I was a little girl.

Now I am not writing all of this because I am looking for pity.  I am writing this out because I am tired of feeling ashamed for something that I can't help.  My weight gain is easily a part of all this.  I eat to feel better, fried chicken never yelled at me or disappointed me.  Now at 32 I know that all of the little things that I let fester and stew are causing me stress and keeping me from things that I want in this life.  I am not going to have things solved today or tomorrow, but at least today I talked about it.  I talked about how I'm not always happy.  Some days like today I am numb, just so I can make it.  But I know it will get better, there will be something that pulls me out of this hole. 

But as for today, I am just here.