I started this blog as place to put my thoughts, fears and accomplishments down as I experience my new life after gastric sleeve surgery. Enjoy and let me know what you think!
So I dyed my hair... and the reason behind it might surprise some people.
This year has been rough, after having the picture perfect wedding we came home a month later and found out I was pregnant. Sadly 5-6 weeks in I miscarried. We were so excited and to have this wonderful hope taken away, the only people who understand that loss are other couples who have been through it. My husband and I picked ourselves up and moved on, with renewed hope that we can get pregnant. Then in November 2014, 8 months later we discovered I was pregnant again. Then 7-8 weeks in I loss another baby. Now I don't talk about my career as much on this blog as I could, I am an elementary school Art teacher for a school in the low to very low income area of my city. My job is highly stressful and demands a lot out of me. Thank God for my job, it helped me to focus on work with helping my students create and be creative. I put on an art show, helped my coworkers with their events and moved on. We bought a home, we are focusing on what we have and not what we don't have. And we have a lot. I have the best life.
I am not saying that moving on was easy I struggled a lot and without my wonderful, caring, supportive husband I probably would have broken down more. He truly keeps me strong making sure I take care of myself when I felt like it was all my fault. When I hated on my body for not working the way it's suppose to. Smiling through tears while friends and coworkers announce soon to be babies. Don't get me wrong I have rough days, days where I feel sorry for myself. But I am taking care of myself, feeling what I need to feel.
So I am moving on, moving on from pressures of being whatever I am "suppose" to be at this age. So I see these wonderful girls with colorful pretty hair and I thought I want pretty hair. Why the hell not? I am free this summer and I don't have to be a "professional". So I am embracing the color embracing feeling free from pressures and enjoying my summer just as I am. Healthy. Happy. Moving Forward.
End of the year performance!
New home!
Art Show
Holi Festival!
Still keeping the weight off!
Hair won't change everything but I feel good and I try to focus on the positive. So silly Brandy and her "outrageous" hair is going to have some fun this summer. Living in the moment. I hope you have some fun too this summer.
I need to confess: I have suffered from depression and panic attacks since the age of 18-19. I have been on medications gone to therapy, back on medications, back to therapy. I will deal with depression for the rest of my life. The worse of the two are the panic attacks.
I decided to write about this because I am tired of feeling like a freak because I do not deal with anger the "normal" way. I would so love to yell at someone right back when being yelled at but instead I internalize everything and my brain tries anyway to blame myself for it all. It's a sick cycle and I am self-aware which makes it even more maddening. So I shut down. I don't deal, I have a panic attack cry and feel like I am going crazy for about 20 minutes. All because I can't get mad. I shake and convulse, going to a place that I like to call my gray zone. In this zone I want to run away, I don't care about anyone. No one. All problems would be solved if I just left. Now panic attacks last from 5-20 minutes, so my rational brain outside of this gray zone doesn't believe any of that. But during this time I can see no other solution. I breathe wait for it to pass and then my mind shuts down.
Maybe its a side effect of the trauma of a panic attack, but right now it's all about basic functions. Wake, shower, dress, work, eat, sleep; repeat. I am not good at handling certain things and a lot of things I internalize so that I don't bother people. I've been doing this since I was a little girl.
Now I am not writing all of this because I am looking for pity. I am writing this out because I am tired of feeling ashamed for something that I can't help. My weight gain is easily a part of all this. I eat to feel better, fried chicken never yelled at me or disappointed me. Now at 32 I know that all of the little things that I let fester and stew are causing me stress and keeping me from things that I want in this life. I am not going to have things solved today or tomorrow, but at least today I talked about it. I talked about how I'm not always happy. Some days like today I am numb, just so I can make it. But I know it will get better, there will be something that pulls me out of this hole.
There is no PERFECT. But we are all perfectly amazing!
There I said it, can we all just move on now? I used to get very upset when people would say "oh you look so good" as if I was awful or anyway inferior before I lost my weight? I've learned to politely educate people and say "Thank you, I feel healthier and that's all that really matters." I looked great before my surgery and I continue to look great after my surgery because I am perfectly amazing.
Now I know most people mean well they complimented me and I love compliments but we all as a society need to collectively say this word together ACCEPTANCE. We are ok, you're alive and breathing. You want to eat chips and wear sweats all day? ok do what makes you happy. You like men or women, who cares? Can you make an awesome mac n cheese? There are more important issues, people.
If I could make one wish it would be that for all bodies to be accepted for their size, gender, orientation, color, and anything else. Can you imagine that world?, a world where there is no criticism for who we are? Then you can truly know people based on their character and the choices they make in life. Establishing connections would be easy with no preconcieved notions. Oh you love chocolate and steampunk, who cares if you have two boyfriends? I don't. The things that matter to me:
1. Are you a decent person? (somewhat law abiding, morally sound individual)
2. Are you kind?
3. Do you live by the rule "treat others, how you want to be treated?"
4. If you made bad choices, did you fix them or try to?
Yep, that's pretty much it, now for me I still need to be educated on acceptance I don't understand certain things but when I don't understand, I try hard NOT TO JUDGE. I may not choose something for my life but who am I to choose for someone else?
So I am all for this Body positive movement, and any type of acceptance that there is. We are all beautiful and wonderful.
And maybe if we lived in a world where people are accepted, we can all work towards making things better.
Now hit play and dance your heart out to my favorite song:
I usually post my weight updates but I post today to celebrate, on Friday I leave for Jamaica! Now to tell you I am excited would be an understatement, elated, ecstatic, enthusiastic, and energized are better E words to use. The place where we are staying with ten of our close family and friends is paradise. I will have pictures posted as soon as I can when I get back.
Looking back on my journey I still can't believe I've come this far. I have grown so much in the past 9 months and every month has just been better. That annoying person who is always positive and happy, oh that is me for sure. Don't get me wrong I have bad days, being stinky feet girl in my aerial class was one of those days, or having a toilet explode, oh and let's not get into eating too many drunken gummy bears that led to a root canal the next day; and all of these events happened in one week. I just don't let them get me down. I pout about it and then I run or move on. Life is a gift and should be celebrated. I try to find something great about everyday. I have since cleaned my feet thoroughly, Steve fixed the toilet and my tooth feels better.
So with only really a day left to be home, before I spend 8 days in Jamaica, I am thinking I am one lucky girl; not only do I feel wonderful but I get to marry one amazing man, who has supported me through it all. I hope that everyone finds a person in their life man or woman, friend or lover who does that. Supports you in all you do and believes in you when you can't believe in yourself. If you have that person, wonderful, if not, I hope you will.
So here goes my new adventure Marriage March 11, 2014....I can't wait.
Here are some photos of my life the past month. It's been a weird ride the past month, a little bit of drama, aerial classes with my stinky feet, bachlorette party, my students winning an art contest and preping for Jamaica. Enjoy. And I can't believe how lucky I am.
Guess what I have? They are small but they are there.... MUSCLES! What?! Believe me I am excited. So I did a little pilates/yoga my favorite and I look over at my arm and what could that be but a tiny muscle trying to bulge. I am so proud I do a little dance.
There are so many things that have made me appreciate what a gift I have recieved, muscles being one of them. Having gastric sleeve surgery truly changed my whole world and there have been some life lessons along the way but for the most part it has been an adventure! I like to think I am the same person on the inside but maybe I have changed. I do know that voice in my head that use to tell me to be quiet is gone. I will no longer sit back and watch as others get what they want while feeling as if I should be treated like a second class person because I am too big. HELL NO. Now when I am noticed I roll my eyes and think "you wish, jerk" I've got a man and he's hot. Or "I'm riding every ride at six flags" and it's gonna be awesome. I mean for crying out loud I am going to be wearing a bikini in JAMAICA, for my destination wedding!!??! And do I care that I might have a little bit of a belly NOPE! I'm going to rock that red bikini like Giselle.
So here are some weight loss results, it's slowed down and now I am building muscle and I love it!
Cheers my friends and enjoy this NEW YEAR. I know I will! How about you?
I am almost a size 10 but at this point I do not care everything from here just seems like fun. :)
